Ken (kenchan_of_ask) wrote,
Ken
kenchan_of_ask

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....

...Where to begin?...


How about: I am the biggest moronic idiot on the face of the planet.

Sounds about right. ~_~ I knew that it was too good to be true... I knew it...

I told myself the whole time in the car when we were riding home from dinner... Even as we were arguing about him getting a place of his own... I knew that I couldn't have -couldn't want- him no matter what my subconscious kept supplying me for dreams... Maybe that was why I got so defensive about his carefree attitude about sex... Maybe it was because I ...no...

All I know is that one moment we were arguing, my hands full with the leftovers that we had got... I had lost my appetite when I caught him eyeing up this pretty little brunette in a tiny mini skirt... when he danced in front of me to get to the door... and I knew that he wanted it to be over, to get away from me as soon as possible... My eyes stung with unformed tears, and I blinked quickly... his back was still turned to me so I couldn't see his face, but I could tell from his voice that he was barely constraining his irritation...

"I'm sorry, I don't remember asking you out for dinner and judgement." His voice was heated, and his very posture screamed that I had offended him. I couldn't help one last jibe as I prepared to push past him, tired of this endless fight...

"You didn't ask me out, I asked you!" It had been my idea, and I had even paid for it even though it was his turn to go shopping this week. I stepped closer, prepared to move past him when he whirled around, stopping me in my tracks. I looked up into his eyes and found my knees going weak. They were so blue... how could I never have noticed how blue they were before...

At first I didn't even realize that we were kissing... I hadn't seen him move, hadn't felt myself move... but we were all of a sudden in each other's arms, his mouth hot on mine...

We broke apart for air, and I swear I about died... I had never felt this way... Never. Not when I was with my old girlfriends (not that there were too many of those) or even when I was with Tachi... It was like I was hot and cold everywhere and I *ached* to be touched by him again... I tilted my face up towards his, my eyes falling half closed as I felt him leaning down to kiss me once more. As our lips touched, I saw someone across the room that I hadn't expected to see. Tachi. Why he was in my apartment, I didn't know... and at that moment, I didn't care. I whispered his name to Ma-kun, to let him know that we weren't alone...

...however, he didn't see it as the kindly warning it was. He blew his proverbial top and stormed out, yelling how all I ever thought about was Tachi and that he was stupid to have even thought I was worth hooking up with. I tried to stop him, tried to tell him that Tachi was there, standing with his eyes wide with shock, at his outburst. But he didn't listen... he never listens to me. I stood there, frozen in place long after he left, staring after him... Tachi came up to me and tried to say something, console me... but I wasn't in the mood. I ran past him to my room, slamming the door and locking it. I leaned against the wall and slid down, burying my face in my hands as the sobs came. The tears I hadn't cried since Tachi left me...

This morning he tried to apologize, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to him... Of course I forgave him ... I just couldn't forgive myself. I thought I still loved Tachi but as soon as I was with someone else, all thoughts of him left my head... and to do it to Ma-kun... No matter if it didn't mean anything to him, it meant something to me... and I need to keep my distance to keep it from happening again. Bandmates just can't be lovers as Tachi and I had proved ... and I just can't...

...I can't...

...love him....

[ooc: ~_~ whoo~! A long Kenchan post! its been forever..x.x; Uhm...sorry it sucks! ^_^ I'm tired. >.>;]
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